How to Be Yourself

“Just be yourself” might quite possibly be one of the most overused phrases when it comes to individual advice. Parents tell their children to be themselves when they go out on their first date. Friends encourage us to be ourselves when we have a job interview. There are many more situations in which people advise us that the best thing to do, is to simply be ourselves. But what does it mean, to be yourself? And more importantly, how can you be yourself when you don’t even properly know who you truly are? The following will shed light on this vague term and will show you what it really means to be yourself. Here’s a guide on how to be yourself! It’s easier than you think it is.

Before we start exploring what it means to be yourself, it might be beneficial to have a quick look at the exact opposite: not being yourself. While most people struggle to authentically be themselves, each and every one of us knows precisely when we’re not ourselves. We can even detect it when other people are simply not themselves. They are not authentic, genuine and simply come across as fake. In short, they are not acting with integrity and their behavior simply does not look right.

What does it mean when you’re not yourself? When we’re not ourselves, we adapt our behavior based on the people we deal with. Meaning that we analyze the person we’re dealing with, their personality, attitude preferences and their general approach to life. Based on our analysis, we start adopting or changing our behavior, hoping that this person will perceive us differently. Basically, when you’re not yourself, you’re like an octopus who constantly changes colors depending on the environment. Not being yourself is a conformative approach to life that emphasizes other people’s opinion. ‎ It’s not your own opinion that matters, conformity and avoiding conflict is what matters when you’re not yourself.

There are obvious benefits to not being yourself. It helps you to fit in. It allows you to avoid tensions. Altering yourself might even make you a popular person everybody seems (!) to like. But deep inside yourself, you know that you’re not authentic; that you’re not your true self. And the vast majority of people can smell it when someone is not genuine.

How to Be Yourself?

Basically, the whole process of learning to be yourself consists of three steps. Firstly, being yourself is all about discovering who you truly are. Secondly, being yourself requires the cultivation of your true self. Thirdly, to be truly yourself requires the development of the courage to be who you truly are. Here’s a quick overview of this process:

Part 1: Discovering who you truly are

The vast majority of people define themselves based on their job, background, heritage and their possessions. But all of these things are external, outside of yourself. None of these things truly define who you are. They might shape and form you, but they’re not your essence. If you lose all your possessions, you’re still yourself. If you switch your job, you still remain the same person.

The only way to actually know how to be yourself, is to discover who you are. By developing an understanding about who you are at your core level, it’ll be easier for you to be yourself. But how can you discover your essence, that which defines you?

1. What are your core values?

Values, principles and attitudes shape your whole life. But how can you be yourself, if you have no idea what your core personal values are?

Basically, personal values define what you believe in and what is important to you. It’s an internal roadmap by means of which you determine what is good or bad, unhelpful, unbeneficial and undesirable. Consequently, by understanding what your core values are, you can better set your priorities in life.

“It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.”
Roy Disney

Take yourself the necessary time to discover what you value. Find out what it is that makes up your essence. After some time you’ll not only develop a good understanding about your personal values, but you’ll also start acting accordingly. That’s one step closer towards being yourself and living with more authenticity.

2. What makes you feel alive?

We’re often not ourselves because we do things we’re not comfortable with. This may range from daily activities to the pursuit of a specific career path. The underlying issue of this lies often in the fact that we simply do not know what it is that makes us feel alive. As a result, we are drawn to activities that do not reflect our true interests. Just like a moth is drawn to the fire, we do things that we’re not in tune with or harm us internally. Consequently, it simply doesn’t feel right what we’re doing. We might even pursue activities that won’t ever allow us to truly be ourselves.

Try to discover what it is that makes you feel alive. Think about all the things that fulfill and satisfy you. Ponder about all the things that you absolutely love doing. By developing a good understanding about that which makes you feel alive, you will be able to better align your actions with your core self.

3. What would you do, if money did not exist?

All too often, our actions are dictated by the desire to earn money. Instead of choosing a profession that really fulfills us, we often choose the most lucrative option. Consequently, we tend to neglect that which truly gives us a sense of purpose. We are simply basing many of our decisions on financial aspects, not on happiness, fulfillment and growth. This often happens because people have a limited understanding of success and primarily equate success with the amount of money they have. Based on this narrowed down understanding of success, we limit our aspirations and dreams because they do not seem financially plausible.

Let’s introduce some refreshing change to this. Think about the things you would do, if money did not exist. Posing yourself this question will definitely get you thinking about your true purpose and passions.

4. What is your purpose?

A great number of people have difficulties pinpointing what their purpose in life is. And quite frankly, discovering your purpose can be quite difficult. It’s not something one finds within a couple of hours or days. Yet, it’s incredibly important to actively seek the purpose of your life. By giving your very best to discover what it is that gives your life a meaning, you are proactively making an important step towards being your true self. Because quite frankly, how could a person ever be themselves by continuously having to fulfill another person’s purpose? 

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

5. Leaving room for growth

One essential mistake many people make when they seek to discover who they are is that they place too much emphasis on the past. Your past may define you, but it should never limit your progress. Discovering who you are is not about defining who you have been in the past. Also, it’s not about defining how you behaved in the past. It’s all about discovering your true essence and who you are at your deepest core level. Consequently, being yourself doesn’t mean that you have to spend the rest of your life the way you’ve always been. Even further, being your true self does not have to be fixated to a static ideal of yourself. It is something that can adapt, develop and grow throughout the course of many years.

Part 2: Cultivating your true self

The second part is centered on the cultivation of the right attitude towards yourself. That’s an incredibly important point, which should not be neglected. After all, if you think negatively of yourself, being yourself will be all the more difficult. In fact, why should you be yourself, if you’re not comfortable with who you are? However, if you do not only accept who you are, but also appreciate yourself the way you are, it’ll be far easier for you to authentically be yourself.

1. Developing self-respect

There are two major disadvantages to treating yourself poorly. First, you will feel miserable. Second, you will invite other people to treat you equally bad. Why should other people respect you, if you don’t even treat yourself with respect in the first place?

Treat yourself with the same respect and dignity you treat your family and friends. Find out what it is that makes you feel not so good about yourself and change it. If you don’t like a specific aspect of yourself, find possible solutions that help you to see yourself in a brighter light. This can be either done by changing what you do not like, or by changing your attitude towards it.

2. Cultivating self-love

If you think about an authentic person, you will realize that they are perfectly fine with who they are. Not only that, but you will also notice that they really love themselves and have no problems with their faults and shortcomings.

If you learn to truly love yourself within, it will encourage you to also be yourself in the outside world. Not only will it make you more confident, but it will also make others perceive you as a person of authenticity and integrity.

3. Forging your own path

One major reason why people are not comfortable with who they are lies in the great emphasis we place on other people, especially celebrities. While it’s certainly good to have role models, desperately trying to be exactly like them is not. One can portray another person and even copy their behavior, but they will never reach the same level of authenticity.

“Always be a first-rate version of yourself and not a second-rate version of someone else.”
Judy Garland

Copying other people’s behavior might be a good strategy to fit in. But it does not help you to live with authenticity. And it certainly does not help with being yourself. Therefore, I encourage you to have the bravery to forge your own path. Have the courage to express your individuality and to develop your own approach to life.

Part 3: The courage to be yourself

1. Not caring about what others think of you

The number one problem that prevents us from truly being ourselves is our fear of other people’s opinion. We are afraid of the negative consequences that being oneself can come with. As a result, we rather prefer to be inauthentic and try to fit in, instead of allowing our uniqueness to unfold. Granted, being yourself may be difficult at times and not everybody may like who you really are. But being yourself is all about gaining independence from other people’s opinion. It is the development of the courage required to not care about other people’s thoughts. After all, you cannot change what other people think of you. Not even bending backwards will help you at that, so why even bother?

2. Following your intuition

Once you let go of all the obligations and dependencies of other people and their opinion, you’ll notice that your behavior becomes much more intuitive. One could even say that ignoring your intuition might almost always result in behaving differently than who you really are.

Have the courage to consider the intuitive hints that you get from time to time. They will help you to be more of yourself and to act with more integrity/authenticity. Even if that means that you no longer behave the way other people want you to.

The “being yourself” cheat sheet

• Don’t try to please others.
• Don’t worry what others think of you.
• Share your opinion.
• Appreciate who you are.
• Don’t seek other people’s approval.
• Get to know yourself.
• Follow your intuition.
• Communicate open and freely.
• Forge your path.
• Cultivate your true self.
• Accept who you are.
• Accept mistakes, shortcomings and failures.
• Develop self-respect.
• Love yourself.

The benefits of being yourself

1. You’ll be more tune with yourself
2. Others will respect you for standing up for what you believe in
3. You’ll be more relaxed
4. Other people’s behavior will influence you less
5. You’ll be less tensioned
6. You’ll be more authentic
7. Others will value your integrity
8. You spend less time worrying about other people’s opinion
9. You spend less time trying to manipulate others
10. You waste less time trying to please others
11. You’ll be less dependent upon other people

The (negligible) risks of being yourself

Having the courage to be yourself naturally comes with risks. You might be confronted with people who do not share your opinion. Who do not appreciate what you stand for and who you truly are. People who want to change you, who want you to live life according to their plans. They might attack you and blame you. But they will never ever consider you a person who doesn’t stand up for what you believe in. And that’s something most people do not only appreciate, it’s something that they deeply look up to.

Another risk involved with being yourself is that other people might know longer be able to influence your decisions. While this certainly introduces independency in most people’s lives, there will no longer be someone else to blame, if things don’t work out.

If these are the only risks, then why wait any longer? Have the courage to be yourself, right here and right now.

VOCABULARY 

• vague - расплывчатый 
• struggle to authentically - оставаться настоящим  
• integrity - целостность 
• deal with -иметь дело с 
• perceive - воспринимать 
• octopus - хамелеон
• cultivation - выращивание 
• heritage - наследие 
• essence - сущность 
• core - ядро 
• pursuit - преследование 
• align - выравнивать 
• lucrative - прибыльный
• pinpointing - точное определение 
• miserable - несчастный 
• dignity - достоинство 
• encourage - поощрять 
• forging - ковка 
  

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